Microsoft announced that it has plans to open its very own retail stores in direct competition with Apple, Best Buy, Home Depot, and The Gap. Here are some tips for Microsoft, free of charge, to help them succeed in this bold and innovative endeavor.

1. Don’t Open the Stores

So you’ve got “plans” to open your own retail stores? Ok, don’t follow through. You’ve already received a big PR and media spike from these “plans,” so never mind actually leasing space or hiring cashiers. All you’ll get is a headache and a drag on your bottom line. You’re used to serious and dedicated workers on your Redmond campus. How do you think you will fare with teenagers manning your stores in the malls? Between lunch at Sbarro and breaks to play Dance Dance Revolution at the arcade, you’re not going to get any productivity out of them. Plus, how will you keep them out of the Apple store while they’re wearing their Microsoft uniforms?

2. Wait a While Longer

You’re probably looking at Apple’s stores, and thinking, “Hey, we can do this too.” But, you’re just not ready yet. You’re better off creating a retail R&D department and staffing it with graphic artists, architects and consumer experience experts. Give that department free reign. Let them dream big and talk even bigger. Give them unadulterated access to the press at all times. That’ll keep Microsoft in the news and on the blogs perpetually. Each new fanciful store design will get picked up by the media. Draw in some waterslides to make that Vista experience even better. What about indoor downhill skiing or a roller coaster? Mindshare’s what you really need to keep, so keep everyone’s imagination fueled for a while.

3. Make your Stores Really Tiny

Ok, so you’re serious about opening retail stores and you want to do it now. Did you ever notice that jewelry stores are really small? If you want people to see more value in your products, sell them in a really small store. Maybe room for single-file customers only or two-abreast at the most. And re-package your software in miniscule boxes. Hey, it works for Apple. Leopard, Final Cut Express, iWork, and iLife all come in roughly the same size micro box. Hey, that’s it - change your name to “MicroBox” while you’re at it – more media attention. Plus, with a different name you won’t have to be DOS-compatible any longer. Or even Zune-compatible. Wouldn’t it be nice to just have an iPod?

4. Chunkify

Make iPhone Apps!

Ok, so you want normal size stores. Why? Oh, because Apple’s already all about sleek and svelte design. You’re right - don’t try to compete in the grace department. Go big and chunky. Put a little something something out to differentiate yourselves. Put more features into Office – span it across multiple DVDs – so it takes 3-4 hours to install. Ramp up the code volume of Windows so it can only run effectively on a refrigerator-sized PC with multiple video cards and a really high “Vista Experience” score. Actually, why not go huge? Get a deal with Walmart to build your stores and then rename them MicroWalSoft. But leave the grocery department intact, its handy. Oh, and don’t forget the shuttle bus for the distant parking lots – those refrigerator PCs are heavy and hard to carry.

5. Cater to the Older Crowd

Ok, all kidding aside, you need to target the right demographic. Don’t bother chasing after the tweens and teens and twenty-somethings. Forget about the thirty-somethings, they’re mostly just slackers who will be working at your stores. 50 is the new 30. What you need are some people with some major disposable income. That way they won’t care as much if your software is buggy or runs slowly. Go after the IBM retirees and their friends who like those new Cadillac commercials. You know, the “Caddy that zigs.” You’ve already got one fan, John C. Dvorak. Why not ride his coattails? Advertise on the shows that older people trust, like 60 Minutes or the O’Reilly Factor. Hey, maybe instead of the “no spin zone” your tagline can be the “Micosoft Zone.” Wait, that’s a great store name: The Microsoft Zone. And, it wouldn’t hurt to host a ladies’ night every once in a while. You know, just to stay in the loop. Plus, don’t forget the best marketing money can buy: the radio. I can hear the radio commercials now, “Get in the zone, The Microsoft Zone. With convenient parking between the Olive Garden and Home Depot.” Anything that starts with a “Z” has to be good.

(Seriously, I use Microsoft software everyday and I am a fan of both Microsoft and Apple. I wrote the draft of this post in Microsoft Word on a PC running Windows XP. I actually do hope they open some stores and give it a whirl. I’m curious to see what happens.)

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